I can always tell when the depression and anxiety are getting bad. The anxiety has me planning everything down the last excruciating detail. It entails all my crazy calendars, planners, pens, and markers, maybe even a little washi tape. If everything is written down and planned for nothing can go wrong. The depression, though… The depression is much worse. I don’t care about anything. Everything I love is just gone. I have no desire for it. Any of it.
For about two months, I haven’t read, crafted, or written anything. I’ve been a prisoner in my own mind. Mom and Dad have pretty much been taking care of Monkey. I don’t think she’s noticed. I’ve just been telling her that I don’t feel good. Which is true, but I’ve been playing it off as my arthritis. It’s been bad.
It’s started looking up. Two weeks ago I could finally breathe a little easier. I’m sitting here, in front of my computer, crying. It’s such a relief to feel bad. Because bad is better than nothing. Things have gotten a little out of hand. My hair is a crazy mess. Lying around for weeks at a time, and not having the emotional strength to pick up a brush will, is conducive to a well-groomed head.
I have a plan, and yes, it’s written down. I’m starting with getting my planners back in order. I’m brushing out my hair. I’m getting the room picked back up. Monkey needs a bigger bed, because my now four-year-old is almost as tall as her bed is long, and she sleeps all stretched out instead of curled in a ball.
So, I’m going to clean up everything, dust, and rearrange the room. I’m going to reorganize my craft supplies. I’m going to clean my wheel and my hooks. I’m going to dehair the cat fur from my yarn. My grey fluffy monster likes to sleep on it.I’m going to take it one day at a time until my world is once more on track. I have my plans. I have my lists. I won’t let it win the war.
I’ve started reading again. I’ve gone through three books in one of my favorite series in the last week. I’m going to force myself to start writing again. Even though it’s only going to be once a week. I’m going to take it one day at a time until my world is once more on track. I have my plans. I have my lists. I won’t let it win the war.
It’s time for a fresh start.