Literally Overnight

I’m in that terrible place where action slows but the mind races on. So, I’m sitting here, my beagle laying on my feet. I’m watching Netflix. I’m holding my newest crochet project. Well, techinically I’m holding my laptop, and the crochet project is in the large bag to the left of my chair. I want to stay busy. I need to stay busy. But… These last two months have been one thing after the other. There wasn’t time to think. There wasn’t time to breathe. Now, there’s only time to grieve.

Two months ago, one of my great aunts was diagnosed with lung cancer. With subsequent testings it was shown that her lung cancer was in both lungs and had spread to her liver, bones, and brain. She had radiation treatments. She started taking a pill that I can’t remember the name of.

Two weeks ago, she was struggling to breathe. It was literally overnight. I saw her Thursday night. Friday morning she was placed on oxygen. I was back Saturday, and Saturday night she was in the ER. From there she was placed in ICU. Just under a week later, she passed away.The last few days have been extremely hard. Her visitation was Thursday, and yesterday was the funeral.

The last few days have been extremely hard. Her visitation was Thursday, and yesterday was the funeral. And, now, it’s Saturday. We’ve spent most of the day sitting around, a fair bit of tearing up. Everything is still now, though. I’m alone with the beagle. The only light is from my computer.

My world feels gutted.

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A Light In The Tunnel

I can always tell when the depression and anxiety are getting bad. The anxiety has me planning everything down the last excruciating detail. It entails all my crazy calendars, planners, pens, and markers, maybe even a little washi tape. If everything is written down and planned for nothing can go wrong. The depression, though… The depression is much worse. I don’t care about anything. Everything I love is just gone. I have no desire for it. Any of it.

For about two months, I haven’t read, crafted, or written anything. I’ve been a prisoner in my own mind. Mom and Dad have pretty much been taking care of Abby. I don’t think she’s noticed. I’ve just been telling her that I don’t feel good. Which is true, but I’ve been playing it off as my arthritis. It’s been bad.

It’s started looking up. Two weeks ago I could finally breathe a little easier. I’m sitting here, in front of my computer, crying. It’s such a relief to feel bad. Because bad is better than nothing. Things have gotten a little out of hand. My hair is a crazy mess. Lying around for weeks at a time, and not having the emotional strength to pick up a brush will, is conducive to a well-groomed head.

I have a plan, and yes, it’s written down. I’m starting with getting my planners back in order. I’m brushing out my hair. I’m getting the room picked back up. Abby needs a bigger bed, because my now four-year-old is almost as tall as her bed is long, and she sleeps all stretched out instead of curled in a ball.

So, I’m going to clean up everything, dust, and rearrange the room. I’m going to reorganize my craft supplies. I’m going to clean my wheel and my hooks. I’m going to dehair the cat fur from my yarn. My grey fluffy monster likes to sleep on it.I’m going to take it one day at a time until my world is once more on track. I have my plans. I have my lists. I won’t let it win the war.

I’ve started reading again. I’ve gone through three books in one of my favorite series in the last week. I’m going to force myself to start writing again. Even though it’s only going to be once a week. I’m going to take it one day at a time until my world is once more on track. I have my plans. I have my lists. I won’t let it win the war.

It’s time for a fresh start.

Days of Writing!

Camp NaNo starts April 1st. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I have a blog post for this blog an itd my new craft blog to write. Literally one right after the other. Thursday for my personal blog. Friday for the craft blog. Saturday starts Camp. I’m not feeling very well confident about any of this at all. I know it will all work out. Because it always does. I may be insane because I love the stress.

For the craft blog, it’s basically a matter of getting the pictures uploaded and inserted. I don’t think the writing will be hard, but I’m known for making things significantly more difficult than it needs to be. I’ve been jotting writing points down all month, though.

And Camp? I have no idea what I’m going to do about that. I thought I would go ahead and  write some of the blog posts I’ve been meaning to write, just to have them stored up when I didn’t know what to say. Then I had a scene pop in my head that seems like it would be fun to play around with.

I suppose I’ll just wait until Saturday and start writing then. I’m looking forward to April. I have a couple of exciting things happening that I simply can’t wait for!

Fiber Fill Hell

Something amazing happened last week. I have completely finished a project!!! This comes as a surprise to everyone who knows me, including myself. I’m famous for starting projects and never finishing them because I get distracted or bored.

But, I finished a project. It’s been YEARS(!!!) since I’ve done that. The dresses I’ve made for my Luvey still had pins in them! Of course, most of those projects were started less than 24 hours before they were needed, and I stayed up all night to get as much done as possible, but ya know, that’s not the point!

Shortly after a friend of mine started having contractions when she shouldn’t. I read an article about premature babies cuddling with stuffed crocheted octopi. Supposedly, the stuffed octopus helped preemies do better because of tentacles and science.

So, in my obsessive need to not feel useless and helpless, I crocheted an octopus. I stuffed him with Fiber Fill. I sewed him closed. I wove in the ends. I embroidered a face. I remembered that I don’t embroider for a reason. But he is done, and he is beautiful. His name is Otto.

I then realized that 12 ounces of Fiber Fill is, excuse my French, a shit ton of Fiber Fill. Over the weekend I made another octopus named Ollie and started two more. I’m planning on making a handful more, about five, plus a sperm and egg (please, don’t ask).

I have several more animals planned. I must use up all the Fiber Fill…

Reading Challenge 2017: Book One

This is not a book review, and it probably contains spoilers. You’ve been warned. Also, jump cut (assuming I do it right)!

The first book, My Lobotomy by Howard Dully and Charles Fleming, was highly recommended, with good reason. The book is excellent!!! I finished reading a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t been able to pick up another book since then.

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The “L” Word

Beware!!! You may start itching and scratching if you read this.

 

I picked Abby up from daycare early today. As soon as I walked in they told me there had been multiple cases of lice today. They’d already collected blankets and bedding and warned me to be on the look out. They checked each kid, and Abby was fine. I, however, am not fine. I CAN NOT stop itching.

I’ve already done one load of laundry, and I’m getting ready to do at least two more loads of laundry. I’m having flashbacks to sitting in a hard chair while my mom combed and combed and combed and combed my hair for hours after slathering me in chemicals and scrubbing the hell out of my head.

Abby may be fine, but I won’t be until I was ALL of the bedding in the bedroom.