My Dad Is The Best

Saturday, Mom and I took a Rigid Heddle Weaving class. I LOVED IT!!! I loved it so much I bought my own loom. It’s a 15-inch Cricket Rigid Heddle Loom. She, the loom, was not assembled. Saturday night, I tried to build it. I couldn’t find dad’s screwdrivers.

Sunday, after our weekly lunch, I asked Dad for the screwdrivers I couldn’t find. Turns out, they were right in front of my face. I attempted to put the first few pieces together. It did not go well. I stripped a screw. Dad tried. He stripped a screw. Turns out, I was using the wrong screws… I’m so good building!

After the toddler was picked up from daycare yesterday, we went to Lowes. Dad bought the replacements. We came home and spent a good little bit, about 45 minutes, building the loom. All I was allowed to do was basically hand Dad the screws.

I named her Hera. I’m hoping to start a project in the next couple of days!

Game Night Frustrations

I’m a fantastic researcher. I check, double check, and triple check everything from facts to sources. Occasionally, if a person I trust tells me something, I take it for fact. That’s gotten me in a little bit of trouble before. Nothing major, though.

Well, this morning, I found out there’s a ball game the same day Game Night is scheduled. When planning Game Night, I asked about ball games. I was told there wasn’t one, and I didn’t verify. My bad.

Now I’m “frantically” rushing to figure a new Game Night out. By frantically,  I mean I’ve come up with a solution, and I’m going to make it work because Game Night has a really specific set of rules. The only real rule is that Abby is still too young to be there. It gets loud and verbally violent. It’s all good natured trash talking, but it’s still not something I want my kid to hear.

Abby will be at her other grandmother’s next weekend, so my new plan is to do Game Night on Friday night as opposed to Saturday. Hopefully, everything goes well at the drop-off, and we can get home quickly. I’m planning on making cheese stuffed mushrooms and Luvey’s favorite tomato salad. The tomato salad takes 48 hours to do right.

Next time, I’ll double check ball game dates. I’ll verify my information.

Chaotic Morning

This morning I woke up at 7:10. I like to leave the house at 6:30. Do you see a problem here? I can’t abide being late. It makes me angry. To make matters worse, I got home after midnight, and didn’t get anything ready before I went to bed.

The morning was a mad dash run to get dance stuff, lunch, me, and Abby ready. We left the house at 7:25. I did it all in 15 minutes! I’m calculating how long until we hit the main road, hit the interstate, get to daycare, and me, finally, to get to work.

We get to daycare. A yellow jacket flows into the car as I’m trying to get Abby out. I rush through the drop off routine, which us actually helped by the little girl who’s in Abby’s dance class. It went surprisingly well.

I spent 15 minutes hunting down that yellow jacket though. I finally got him out, and off to work. I get there forty-five minutes late. Fortunately, I didn’t get in trouble, but I’ve felt rushed all day.

I still feel rushed, even now that I’ve gotten Abby to dance on time. I didn’t grab everything I wanted to before I left this morning. As soon as dance is over, I’ll get more Luvey time, which I will be late for.

Tomorrow will be better. 

Brain Mush

You know what Brain Mush is. It’s something that will immediately shut your brain down. No matter how terrible it is, you love it. Most people call that a guilty pleasure. Everyone has their own. My preferred brand of Mush is a horrendously good book.

I started a new Brain Mush book series. Thanks to Audible! Audible had a 3-for-2 sale, and I wasn’t thrilled with their section, but one book caught my eye. After reading the descriptions for the first book, I picked the other two, and made my selections. I then propmtly bought the first book in kindle form. Halfway through the book, I bought paperback copies for me and Luvey.

If I’m going to read trash, she’s going to read it, too. The books are terrible in that way that makes them so very good. There’s really nothing redeemable about the first book, which is why I’m not naming it. I finished it Sunday, and I CAN’T WAIT to get the second books in readable formats. I’ve needed something to switch my brain off for awhile, and I’m so glad I found it.

 

Also, I’m with my Luvey!!! She’s home!!!

Clocks Make Me Anxious

Well, I had that appointment, you know, the one where all women are forced to endure violations just to make sure the baby makin’ parts are healthy. Yep, today I went to the gynecologist. They did all that fun question and answer stuff. Checked my vitals, and my blood pressure was very, very high. What can I say? I was having anxiety issues. The clock in the waiting room was really, really loud. I could literally hear every second tick by while I waited.

I was already amped up, on edge, controlled by the anxiety. The waiting, the ticking, was not good at all. I talked to my doctor, a lovely woman, and she asked what had been going on in my life, how frequent were the anxiety and panic attacks. She also wanted to know exactly why I was opposed to the meds. The stuff I had in the past just made me feel dull.

We discussed meds for awhile, and she prescribed me one that was just for anxiety and not for depression. And, it’s a low dose, too. I guess I’ll see how it works. I’m pretty much just testing it until I go back for my birth control switch out. They have to order my implant, which should hopefully be in by the end of the week, so I can take a half day off work Monday. Anyway, I’ll be taking a half dose every day for a week or so before increasing.

Now for a fun bit of irony: I’m having super high anxiety about taking an anti-anxiety medicine. Because my life can’t be simple. I’m doing the hand rubbing thing, foot/leg shaking, and over thinking thing. My stomach is a ball of knots, also cramps from the above-mentioned doctor’s appointment. Even the knots have knots.

We Will Always Remember

15 years ago, I was in 5th grade. I remember everything about that day. I remember the frantic sound of the principal of my school ordering all TVs to be turned off. I remember the stunned way the teachers, the students, myself, stared at the news reports in horror and confusion.

I remember the two other kids who sat beside me. I remember what they wore. I remember what I wore. I remember the one on my right, especially. She had tears running down her face. She caught on much quicker than I; I lived in my own world. Her mom was in the first tower. I remember reaching over and grabbing her hand. I remember how hard she squeezed mine.

I remember the sudden static sound as the TV turned off. I remember being ordered to stay where we were, to not leave our rooms. I remember watching the adults. I remember the worry, fear, horror, and completely disbelief they tried to hide. We, who were nowhere near New York, were sent home early from school that day

Some events are so traumatic that the event, the memories, write themselves into your bones, into your soul. I am so very, very thankful for all the heroes-the soldiers, the first responders, the firefighters, the cops, and the four-legged animals- who were there that day and all the days after.

We will never forget.

Anxiety is Awful

My O’Sensei always said, “The brain learns it first. Then the body knows it, and then your heart.” I heard this so many times when I was first starting out. It never really clicked until my anxiety became bad. It seems to me that’s how I experience my depression and anxiety. Brain, Body, and Heart are three separate beings making up the whole me.

That distinction was a little hard to come to, but once I did, once I was able to separate me from the things happening to me, it became vastly easier to cope. It’s awkward to talk about, but it goes a little something like this:

 

Brain: Do you see that random shadow over there?

Body and Heart: Yeah!

Brain: It’s trying to kill you.

Heart: Don’t be silly, Brain. It’s only a shadow.

Body: A THREAT!!! WE MUST VANGUISH IT!!!

Heart: No, no, NO, Body! That’s not what’s happening. That shadow can’t hurt us. It literally can’t.

Body: Brain, what do you think?

Brain: No, it definitely wants to murder you.

Body: I KNEW IT!!! Heart, Brain says it, so it must be so!

Heart: I don’t think that’s how it works.

Brain and Body: It is.

Heart: No… Well… I don’t know…

Brain: Murder.

Body: A THREAT!!! ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO!!!

Brain: Let’s get down to business!

Body: To defeat the THREAT!!!

Heart: Huns, Body, Huns, and yeah, okay, maybe it is looking a little odd.

Brain and Body: A THREAT!!! MURDER!!! MAYHEM!!! DISTRUCTION!!!

Heart: Yes… it’s definitely a suspicious shadow.

Brain: BLOOD! MURDER! DISTRUCTION!

Body: PROTECT THE SOFT TISSUES!!!

Heart: OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO DIE!!!

 

And that’s pretty much what an anxiety/panic attack look like in me. And don’t get me started if Body is convinced that a spider is on something or if something looks like a spider. No amount of knowing or logic can convince me otherwise. I spent 20 minutes in a stare down with the doorknob to my bathroom before I could sit down or walk anywhere near it. It was HOURS later before I was finally able to go to bed.

The only thing for me to do is wait it out. A typical panic attack takes about 15 minutes. I’ve had some that are shorter and some that are longer. Panic attacks usually take me by surprise. It starts out in my nose as a numb tingling sensation. Then it quickly moves to my extremities. I start shaking. I start hyperventilating, and all reason shuts off. I get very spacey. I can’t be still. My heart pounds.

I can make this keening sound. I usually don’t realize it’s happening. I pace back and forth. I’m frantic. I can’t talk, and when I do, I’m stuttering. I don’t make any sense. It’s better to just back off and let me do my thing. Don’t touch me. Touching results in violence. It’s reactive, and I cannot stop it.

As it wears off I slow down. The pacing will stop. The shaking stops. My breathing returns to normal. I can think again. Once it’s over, I tend to crash hard. I’ll curl up and sleep. I almost always have to spend a couple of days in bed. It takes the better part of a week for the emotional exhaustion to wear off, about four or five days.

Anxiety attacks are a little better. Those are usually more mental than physical. It takes less time to recover from them, but they aren’t pleasant. None of it is pleasant.