A Step Into The Darkness

There’s a spark of light up ahead. A break in the darkness. Relief lay beyond the light. Relief from the unrelenting torture, from the gut churning anxiety. She just needed to reach the light and jump through. Only two spans separated her from happiness. Two spans, but much grief.

Two steps forward. Two steps back. Two steps forward. Two steps back. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Big deep breath. One step forward. NO!!! I can’t, I can’t, I CAN’T!!! ONESTEPBACK. Calm down! Calm down! Calm down! You’re okay. You’re okay. It’s okay. Calm down. Breathe. It’s okay. You’ll be okay. Try it again.

Two steps forward. Two steps back. Two steps forward. Two steps back. I can do this. I can do this! I CAN do this! Inhale through the nose. Exhale through the mouth. Inhale through the nose. Exhale through the mouth. Two steps forward. All you have to do is jump. You can do this. You’ve got this. It’s not that hard. On the count of three. One. Two. NO! NO! NO! I can’t do it. I just can’t. Two steps back. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You are strong. Once more.

What’s wrong with me?! Why can’t I do this? Why? Look everyone else is fine. Why aren’t you? What’s wrong with you? STOP! This isn’t helping. You are fine. You can do this. Its two steps and then a jump. You’re fine. You can do it. Big deep breath.

Two steps forward. Two steps back. Two steps forward. Two steps back. Okay. Alright. Okay. Inhale and hold it. Exhale and hold it. You can do this. Two steps forward. Wooden windowsill under my hands. Rough and scratchy. No! Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think. Big breathe. One. Two. Three.

Freedom…

…

It has taken me over 24 hours to write Day Four’s assignment. I haven’t edited it much. That window… well, it spoke to me. This is an approximation of my depression and panic attacks all rolled into one. I try to focus on the light instead of the darkness in my life. I’ve spent an hour and a half debating whether to publish this or not. I’m talked myself down from panic more times than I care to admit tonight.

P.S.

I really like the way this picture looks with my background. So, I’m focusing on that, instead of the content when I hit “Publish.”